Archive for January, 2008

ta-da!

You know that awesome ecstatic feeling when something happens with a potential significant other? And you are just totally new-relationship euphoric?

Guess what.

Its now mathematical.
euphoria

chya.

edit: nervousness is implying the nervousness of the person asking

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*Hic*

I despise hiccups. I also believe I have a messed up diaphragm (the part of your body responsible for hiccups). I get the hiccups at least once a day. Often its a short series of very loud ones, generally at the most inconvenient time: band, band concerts, church, tests, lunch etc…. Yet occasionally they end up being for an extremely extended period of time. Like right now. *hic* gr…

I’m still slightly sick today, but thanks to the massive amount sleep I got yesterday, I think I prevented it from becoming something much worse. So now I get to take more exams! Yay! I had Math, Programming, and Band today = easiest exam day of life. Math was sifnificantly easier than I expected, the problems were all the easiest example possible that demonstrated the mastery of each skill and altogether it was a fairly short test. Programming was of course a breeze. In fact it was an even breezier breeze than expected because the teacher didn’t feel like grading fill in the blank questions so it was entirely multiple choice and true and false! I believe I got a 98% on it. mwaha. And then band exam was of course easy. Its band. What else do you expect? They give you an exact study guide that the questions are based on. I think the harder part of that bell was not being bored out of my mind after the exam was over but before the school day ended.

In other news, my hiccups are gone! yay!

So now I have French and AP american tomorrow. *gulp* Hopefully my conjuquemos fun will have improved my verb conjugating skills at least a bit and I wont completely fail french. Maybe I’ll have retained a speck of information from les miserables? Jean Valjean? And AP American is just going to be fabulous I’m sure. I’ve already heard horror stories from 4th bell.. O_O

Maybe I’ll get back to studying now… or just go back to slacking off and playing mass effect! I’m sick people- don’t judge me! =P

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ick

I feel like crap as of right now. Of course exam time is an appropriate time to get a really debilitating cold. Fabulous. On a regular occasion it is the range of stay-home-worthy debate, but of course I can’t take a day off this week because of stupid exams. I probably did terribly on my physics one (which should have been the easiest A in the universe) because I was too asleep to catch all the stupid mistakes I was making. Hopefully my english exam essay wasn’t too incoherent because the objective portion certainly isn’t going to save me. Why do I always feel lousiest at the most inconvenient times?

On top of it all, apparently my parents are making me pay for the entire $236 worth of replacement retainer. During our trip to Canada I kept my retainer in a plastic bag with toothbrush etc., but over the course of the trip the other teeth accouterments migrated to another bag. When I got home I left the plastic bag with only the clear retainer in it on the counter. It was then presumably thrown out by someone thinking it was only an empty plastic bag. I’ll admit, having it travel in such an inconspicuous casing was irresponsible and I should take some of the blame and help pay for it, but am I really at fault that someone just starts throwing out bags without checking to make sure nothing is in them? *sigh* I guess my bank account can live without that money… yay, I see my savings dwindling as I speak.

I need to stop writing entries when I’m upset. It makes me seem like a very emo person. I swear I’m not! I just don’t like to complain to people when I’m annoyed so I complain to the openness of the internet. You can stop reading at any time. I won’t be offended. I probably wouldn’t have read this far at all.

Oh and guess what else! AP American teacher was sick today so no test review. Joy. Now I really do have to go back through the book and find out all the colonies relationships with Great Britain instead of having her (the human text book + more interesting) summarize it for me. Darn.

On the upside, apparently being sick and feeling annoyed at the AP teacher makes me slightly better at math contests. Or this last one was really easy. Yeah probably the latter. Ah well. I got a 5! Thats at least some achievement and kind of makes up for the fact that last week I got a 0. Congrats on the stupid mistakes hilary… of course that rhombus is a square… mhmm.

Time to go study for my math, programming, and band exams I suppose. Heh. Band exam. Except I probably will fail that too just to round it all off. Did I mention that I think I failed a playing quiz on Monday? Yep, that makes me feel confident. And I can completely play most of the music too. I just failed at playing in front of a group, especially without being warmed up. And then one of the parts we had to play was the only part in the entire show I couldn’t play. To top it all off, I’m 1st clarinet on that song, and the 1st part is significantly more difficult than the respective sections in the 2nd and 3d part. They’re all complaining “ugh.. it’s so fast! And we have to go over the breakkkk” and I’m just …. are you kidding? You have to go over the break? How sad. Us over here have to go play these astronomically high notes and youuu have to go over the break? I feel *so* sorry for you all.

As a final topic while I’m on this ughhh life sucks train, I despise Hillary Clinton. Not for any political reason, mind you. Just the fact that she has the same name (albeit spelled wrong) Do you have any idea how incredibly irritating it is to here your name said all day long (often in the most derogatory context) and feel like a complete idiot when you respond? Its so irritating.

And thus I end my rant for now. Sorry you suffered through all its nonsensicalness and annoyingness.

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I am fully aware this is as rambling and incoherent as it seeems

Why have I felt so bipolar lately? One moment I’m floating on air, the next just wallowing in despair. Except not really, I just thought it sounded cool. And it rhymes!

But its at least somewhat true even if its a bit melodramatic. I don’t feel in sync with myself, if thats possible. There really isn’t anything bothering me, I just become inundated with self-doubt, seemingly out of nowhere. What if everyone really does hate me? Obviously none of my friends hate me that much because it would simply be too much work to pretend to like me, but what if everything isn’t as it seems? Maybe I’m missing something. Change will come and go but just pass me by- I’ll still be standing there when the rest have moved on. Or maybe I’ve changed. Am I still the same person I once was? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Where the hell is this existentialist crisis coming from? Next thing you know I’ll be asking if life has meaning. Good thing I already have my answer, so hopefully it won’t ever come to that. I don’t think life has any meaning as is, but you can derive meaning however you chose. The point of life is to have fun and to feel good about yourself as a person. What other reason is there to bother doing anything?

I can’t stand not knowing. Tell me please. Tell me something, anything- I just want to know. I hate to be in the dark. I’ll listen to you.

Thats why I don’t like people. I can’t analyze thoughts and feelings accurately enough. How can I know what you’re feeling? There is no equation that will tell me beyond a doubt what you’re thinking. But I need to know. I have a pathological need to know. Everything, from a historical event, to the answer to a riddle, to what you’re thinking right now. I need to know people deeply. I want to understand why they do what they do.

Why does thinking always lead to even greater uncertainty? The more I think about something the more paranoid I become. I still regret things that I did 10 years ago simply because I’ve thought about them too much. I am paranoid about everything. I need to escape. To get away by submerging myself into reality. To by too busy to think, to question. To distract myself from myself by looking away.

Take no meaning from this. I’m just incoherently transcribing my paranoid reactions to the world

Look away

from this world- it seems to

ever change in its anamorphic  form

change in its ephemeral presence.

I stand unmoving

transfixed by the distorted panorama passing by,

You move on, joined

to the turning slide reel-

I watch in dazed complacency

to see where you end

and find where I stand

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Fuck

I hate this freaking research paper.

Mk kiddies?

I have a wonderful paper. I wrote all 10 freaking pages of it . And now its on to citing. I do that too.

Of course I did that without page numbers accidently the first time.

But here’s the kicker. I’ve lost a crapload of my notecards because of the whole “let’s go to Canada!” thing. Just now I realize that she wants all the freaking cards turned in as well in the order that we used them in the paper.

So guess fucking what.

I now have to take notecards on my paper.

Because it is an effective use of my time.

I currently hate this anal retentive bitch of a teacher at the moment.

I know she’s just trying to teach us how to research well

But you know what?

I don’t fucking care.

Maybe I just wont do the freaking notecards.

My grade can probably stand it

whatever.

I was so much ahead of all the other people in my class on this one. I finished writing the paper way ahead. I just manage to get stuck in all this technical shit.

RARGH

I’m just going to go eat someone

Rip their head of and then dump pickle juice in the wound

maybe mrs. history teacher perhaps?

oh yeah… mild profanity behind you… feel free to skip reading this one kiddies

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